This year the National Youth Workers Convention is a different experience for me. For the first time I’m coming here without a great understanding of what my immediate future is going to hold.

This last several years has been a difficult one. When I left my previous church I didn’t realize that I would be stepping into a situation that wasn’t a good fit. I have doubted myself , my calling and effectiveness in Youth ministry. I love my current church but they want and actually need something different.

Yesterday I had an opportunity to meet with a friend and former boss and talk through my life. He was surprised when I told him I was starting to look outside the Youth Ministry world. His response was encouraging because it did make me realize that I still have much to offer in that world. It was good to receive affirmation and to talk to someone who I’ve known for a long time.

At the general session last night I started to think about all the former students from my youth groups I had at the convention. It’s a pretty big number and represents a bunch of churches too. I thought about the opportunities I had to influence their lives and how scrawny and freaky most of them were as freshman. God reminded me there about my impact.

I think in the midst of all of this transition what I want the most is to be authentic, open and vulnerable. I want to be able to share my “real” feelings and tell people when I’m hurting. I want to have conversations where I admit I don’t have it figured out and that’s ok. I want to even cry and just rest in peace knowing that God has a plan.

Of course that’s different from how I’ve been acting. The last month I’ve been in “fix it” mode. I’ve been searching for God’s plan and have really been pushing to figure out what it is “now.” It’s been a stressful time to be sitting by the phone and the e-mail. I think what I’m learning here though is that I need to find some peace and allow God to work in me during this time.

Am I done with Youth Ministry? I think that you are never truly “done” being effective in the lives of students and volunteers. I see a transition that allows me to focus more on leaders and overall vision but I don’t think I’ll ever get away from students. Even if I end up in a position that is far from hands on I think I’ll find a way to get involved.

So that’s what I’m learning now……..

In “Leadership is an Art” Max DePree tells a story of an African village in the 60′s that was “wired” for electricity. Suddenly each family had a single light bulb in their living room. “The problem” as he states it is that no one in these families knew how to read. Suddenly they were spending their evenings sitting in their living room watching their lightbubs. This process of lightbulb watching took over the the usual evening campfires where the community would gather and stories and history would be shared. They began to lose their culture all because they now had light.

This weekend I’m spending with thousands of other youth workers at the National Youth Workers convention. We get together yearly to network, be trained, be refreshed and to connect with God. If I’m honest though the main reason I go is for the connecting with friends. I know I need all the other things but being with my friends, sharing stories, talking about our ministries and what God is doing in our lives is the most important thing for me.

Like the focus on a lightbulb I sometimes find myself even in ministry being pulled in directions that don’t really seem to grow the community around me. Seems almost funny to write that as I sit in a coffee shop with my headphones on writing away at a blog that few people besides my mom actually read. But, I believe it……..wait the lights just went out.

I feel compelled to write something about my experience this past weekend. It started with an overnight trip to Joshua Tree National Park. Spent a great evening sitting in front of the campfire reading and watching videos on my ipod (I know not very campy.) My good friend Jon showed up around 10pm and we sat and talked for a couple of hours. Slept in the cars that night because we were expecting rain. I like to sleep in my Suburban. It did rain at about 3:30am. The next day after Denny’s (again not very campy) we headed back into the park to climb. After a long hike we ended up at the bottom of a great 3 bolt 5.8 lead climb. Bottom was a little rough but after clipping the first bolt it wasn’t so scary. It ended up being a lot of fun.

The rest of the weekend I was at a mens retreat in Palm Springs. Great time with my church. We really went after a wide age range in all the marketing. Most of my good friends were there. Perfect retreat and not at all over programmed. We managed to go see a movie and spend a lot of time hanging out. Thanks to Brian, Matt, Jon, Carnell, Bobby, Seth and Dave for being there.

One other great thing. Instead of being a teaching pastor at this retreat I offered to be in charge of media. A great opportunity to try/do something new. it was nice to be in this support role helping those teaching push their points with visual and audio media. I even ran powerpoint for the worship band. There is just something about being in the background sometime that is refreshing.

Missed my family though. I’m glad to be home.

Every Thursday morning I get e-mails from the amazing Core Group leaders in the high school ministry that I lead. The e-mails tell me what students went to their Small Groups last night and how the group went. I love it because it gives me a big picture of what is happening with the ministry. It’s fun to see how students are getting involved, how the curriculum is reaching them and how I can help the Core Group leaders teach more effective.

Of course the flipside of this good feeling is when I read about which students didn’t show up last night. That’s not as much fun but still a useful bit of information.

On Monday I’m taking a team of 24 to Nicaragua for two weeks. I’m both stoked and stressed at the same time.  That is the yin and yang of Youth Ministry.  So often we get to do cool trips like this but the payoff is that it takes a ton of planning, raising money and comforting parents in the months leading up to the actual trip.  I know that this trip is going to change lives and I’m glad to use my gifts to get all the details figured out but I just want to be there.

Sometime I get home from a night of youth ministry and feel like I wasted the kids time. It frustrates me to be at the church all day and to end it with a very ho hum youth night. Nights like this make me question whether or not I really am qualified to be a high school pastor anymore. I know I shouldn’t get to down on myself because its not about me but I can’t help but feel that I don’t have what it takes anymore. But, isn’t that the point. If I had what it took then it would be a lot more about me then about God. I need to spend a lot more time praying and asking him for guidance than I do. I guess nights like this are partially meant to convict me of that.

Well here we go. I’m going to try and pull off this web blog thing. I guess everyone is doing it so I felt like I should get on board. Not an “Everyone is jumping off a bridge so I should to moment” more of a I feel convicted that there are some things I can say that are worth reading. I hope that this doesn’t end up being another one of those things I start that sort of dies a quick death. We’ll see…..