When I started thinking about this series I didn’t realize the strong emotions that people were going to have to these issues. What I found between week that I published the teaser post and now quite a few people e-mailed me with stories of hurt and frustration for how they had been treated by their churches. Sadly many of them felt like the list below was their actual job description and they just never felt like they matched up with what I consider unrealistic expectations.What I find most frustrating is the number of young youth workers who get quickly burned out trying to live up to these things and more often than not they don’t have any good role models to help them learn healthy practices. When so many churches act as revolving doors of youth ministry leadership too they have seen this unhealthy model over and over again.
So here’s my first stab at the list. One Falsehood that I want to hit right away is the belief that if you are a Youth worker you must be with students 24/7.
I got my start in youth ministry working at a camp. There are some really great things about camping ministry but also some really tough parts. The negative side of camping ministry is that many young impressionable youth workers get started spending 24/7 with students for up to 4 weeks at a time. They “live” with these students in a small cabin and spend all day with them. These leaders are taught how to disciple and are shown the importance of building these relationships during the camp weeks. There is almost no off time and the singular focus often produces pretty significant deep conversations and relationships quickly. The problem is this work style isn’t sustainable outside of the camp world. Youth workers who only know what it means to do 24/7 camp ministry often burnout really quickly in the church world. They are unprepared for having to “compete” with students real lives and business. They often try to recreate or continue these relationships but mostly it has negative results on their own social lives, health, spiritual lives and even sometimes their sanity.
One of my favorite passages of scripture which talks about relational ministry comes from the writings of Paul. 1Th. 2:8 “We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.” This passage shows a model of ministry that involves “doing life” together. It involves “sharing” with each other. But this passage can also be a negative thing. We need to figure out how to do relational ministry in a healthy sustainable way.
This is important to me as I regularly have students in my home and try to engage them in my life as I get to be a part of theirs. Before I go on I need to make sure you understand that I love spending time with students. Tomorrow I’m heading on a 5 day houseboat trip to Arkansas with 35 High School guys. I love these types of events and really value extended time with students. But, I don’t do these events every week. I try to be super strategic and make sure that I go on a lot of our summer trips because these extended times with students are really valuable. In fact this summer I’m leading this Houseboat trip, a missions trip to Seattle and a family trip to Israel. I’m going to be really busy but it is just for a season. In the middle of all that I’m also taking my family on a 2 week vacation to Mexico and at the tail end of summer we’re going to Yosemite for 4 days.
So how do you make healthy decisions for how much and when to spend time with students.
The best resources I know about how to do Relational Youth Ministry right are all written by Andy Root. Andy is probably one of the sharper theologians in the Youth Ministry world and also someone who is willing to get out from behind his lecturn and actually “do” youth ministry. His book Relationships Unfiltered is a great reminder of the value of how to have great, solid, well intentioned relationships with teenagers but to also do it in a healthy way. I’ve heard Andy talk before about the power of “Open” vs “Closed” relationships. In his book he talks about how much more value is placed on “Open” when people know that there is a “Closed” part of you. For example many of us in the church world are always sad when we drive to Chick Fil-A for lunch after church on Sunday forgetting that it isn’t open on that day. But if it was open we wouldn’t value it quite as much. The fact that the restaurant chain has something it believes in and that it has value in not working on Sunday creates more value for us.
Maybe a better way of thinking about this is to just quickly think what restaurants are open 24 hours near where you live. Chances are they are fast food restaurants that we all know are not healthy for you.
The point is students will value you more if they know that you are not always available.
Here’s a few bullet points to think about.
A. Being open 24 hours is not sustainable. You can do it short term but you will burn out
B. Being open 24 hours decreases your value. If I know you are only open a short time I will make sure to get there and engage during that time. If you are always open I value you less and will also probably waste a lot of your time with unimportant things.
C. Students need to see that you have a “real” life outside of ministry. They will value you more when they see that you are a real person instead of just someone who is always available and at their beck and call.
D. Setting healthy models for yourself will help you last longer in ministry. Too many youth workers struggle with marriage problems because they try to keep the same model going from when they were single to married. Create healthy models as a single person.
As always there is more to this. I don’t claim to be an expert in anything except to know that I don’t know it all. I know some of you who read this might be young and single and feel like you have a lot of free time to “hang out” with students. I just want you to be aware that there are seasons in everyones lives where things are easier or more difficult. You need to figure out a model for you that allows you to be healthy as well as have a sustainable career in this youth ministry world you’ve chosen.
Here’s the full list of the Youth Ministry Falsehoods.
- You must be with students 24/7
- You must be young
- You must be single
- You must be irresponsible and fly by the Seat of your Pants.
- You must be theologically trained
- You must be an extrovert
- You must a great upfront communicator
- You must be wild and crazy and a kid magnet
- You must be willing to be poor
- You must want to be a “real” pastor some day
Thanks for the reminder Lars. It often feels really good to be needed all the time. It creates a staff centric ministry instead of a Jesus centered ministry.
So often my pride has wanted me to be the “go too” person that kids and parents need. You’re right. It’s exhausting.
You mentioned a few things you’re doing with students but I’m curious, what have you done over the years to make sure their is margin and reasonable boundaries in your ministry, family and personal life?
I’m trying to figure all that out and with modern technology it seems those boundaries are becoming more fuzzy.
AND, I wish I was on the houseboat with you.
David- This is probably the area that hurts the most when people question it about most youth pastors. We have bought into the lie that our whole job is about “hanging out” with kids and because of that when we are questioned it hurts. I can only say that the way I learned this was through two ways. Early in ministry I saw some very negative examples of people who had no life outside of their ministry and in a couple of cases there were pretty disastrous results to their marriages and to the students they were ministering too. I saw how much pain that caused and I promised myself I wouldn’t try to be Jesus. In a couple of cases it was youth pastors who were in their words “The only one who cared about students at their church” so they felt 100% responsible and like they had to do it all. I was really helped in this too by my background in education. As a teacher we had pretty solid boundaries but also great chunks of times with students. I spend more time with students but it was always pretty structured. I’d go home at 3 every day and have my own life separate from them.
I agree modern technology makes it tougher. Text, facebook, e-mail, twitter all blends the distinction between work and life. I’ve figured out what works for me so that I still leave work every day and go to the gym and workout and if I feel I need to I’ll log onto to social media and interact with students in the evening. But, I have a pretty high gauge of what works for me. You and I have been doing this for a long time from single, to married, to kids, to kids gone. We should probably write a book aimed at younger youth workers.
Wish you were going houseboating too.
Lars:
I wish I had this kind of resource 20 years ago when my husband and I started in Youth Ministry.
Part of the reason I switched to Children’s Ministry is that the demands and expectations were much more realistic and sustainable. For better or worse, Children’s Ministries tend to be based on a educational model and CM practioners take their cues from that world.
“Youth Ministry” and “relational ministry” are younger concepts that are still finding their way, so to speak. New youth workers (and institutions that train them) need an experienced generation to mentor them. Unfortunately, we burn out youth workers so fast, not many make it the “old-timer” stge.
So, good on you for actually accomplishing advanced practioner status and caring enough for the newbies to have this conversation.
Thanks for the encouragement. I love being in a place now where I can actually help younger youth workers. Hopefully it’s through a combination of my wisdom and failures.
.
Like!
Interesting post! I fortunately didn’t have to abide by those expectations when I was youth pastor for many years. I can’t imagine if those are what other youth leaders go through having these types of expectations. From the list, this was my experience:
You must be with students 24/7: I intentionally had an unlisted number and guarded time away and at home which was very helpful.
You must be young: I was 28 when I started as youth pastor
You must be single: I was single when I started, but married a year later.
You must be irresponsible and fly by the Seat of your Pants: I think I was responsible overall but I do admit I flied by the seat of my pants sometimes, maybe quite often. I had never even been part of a youth group before becoming a youth pastor, so there was a steep learning curve.
You must be theologically trained: I didn’t have a degree in the beginning but did go to seminary while I was serving as youth pastor and then college pastor.
You must be an extrovert: I am an introvert
You must a great upfront communicator: I had never spoke in front of youth before taking the role of youth pastor and didn’t know anything about communicating at that time.
You must be wild and crazy and a kid magnet: I was rather shy and made friends with youth one on one for the most part
You must be willing to be poor: the church I was part of valued youth ministry, so I did get paid not a ton, but enough to not have to be stressed about money
You must want to be a “real” pastor some day: I had no idea what I was going to do next. I was just faithfully serving youth and did not know what was next.
Anyway, great topics and I look forward to reading what you will be doing here.
Dan
Thanks Dan- I’m with you. I didn’t have to deal with all of this when I started either. Some of us got lucky or blessed. What saddens me is that a lot of youth pastors do and I’m just trying to help.
Thanks for commenting