This last Sunday at my church Rhett Smith taught a class on Anxiety for parents. Rhett is in the process of writing a book on this and he’s pretty sharp so every time he talks I end up going home and thinking about it for hours. In this case he was talking about how so much of the anxiety in students comes from the parents. His point was that parents “over expectations” or “pressure” was causing huge damage to their students. There were a number of examples given by parents many of who’m “got it” but clearly a few who “didn’t.” I live in a city with highly motivated driven people. I think the % of students who graduate from high school and head directly to college is about 98% Because of this there seems to be an almost daily discussion about how students need to “better there resume” and “be involved in more things” so that they look good for college recruiters.
Here’s 3 examples of what I see all the time:
1. Boys and girls who play a sport year round and can’t do anything else because of it. If they are not in school season they are in club or select season or they are training for one of those. They spend all their time doing this sport and it becomes their identity. Often they are pushed to do this by the parents who like the identity of being able to say that there student is a “star”. In some instances it’s not the parents who are pushing the students but they are doing something equally wrong which is not helping students learn healthy boundaries and space. In my own family we made the decision with our son this spring to have him not play lacrosse. We wanted him to try another sport and he was really excited so he starts baseball next week. (to be clear if he didn’t want to play a sport at all we wouldn’t push him) We feel like it’s our job right now to give him exposure to different things so he can see what he enjoys. What I see as a problem here is that these students who do gymnastics 20 hours a week or baseball all year long are really missing out on a lot of other opportunities because they are so scheduled and there is “pressure” to continue.
2. I talked to a student this last week and asked what they were doing this summer. They replied that that were studying for the SAT all summer. I asked how many times they’d already taken it and they said 2 and that they had taken the ACT 1 time also. Then that student said “I have to get into {unamed} college because it’s what’s expected. My parents went there and my grandparents went there. This is a student who is amazing and has a great heart for service but hasn’t been able to be involved in our HS ministry because of all the pressure.
3. I actually heard a parent say this week that if your son/daughter doesn’t start something at the elementary age they will never be successful at the High school age. I’m pretty sure this person was talking about playing an instrument but they were applying it to everything. Sadly this mentality has created a really tough world for many parents who have bought into it and have private coaches for their first graders.
I love parents and work with some pretty amazing ones who are doing a great job with their teenagers. I could give example after example of parents who are doing a great job. But with that said it’s always amazing to me how in almost every meeting with parents we talk about the issue of “Peer” pressure and what they are worried about their students being exposed to but we never talk about “Parental” pressure.
Here’s 3 steps to opening up the door with parents to talk about this:
1. Never get an “us vs. them” mentality going. This was a great reminder yesterday in my staff meeting that our job will always be to partner with parents. Start there. Partnering with parents can look as simple as just getting to know them. Have small groups meet in their homes. Talk to them when they drop off or pick up their students. Invite them on trips.
2. Have trained therapists/counselors come in and speak. What I love about Rhett is that he speaks straight forward to the parents and doesn’t hold back or sugar coat things. We do a once a month Sunday morning parenting class and he leads all of them. I’m always in the room to add in my thoughts and opinions but Rhett is the leader. He also does one on one counseling with students and meets with families to talk about these issues.
3. Address the hidden issue. In almost all of these parental pressure situations there are issues that parents are projecting on their students. Most parents don’t even recognize they are doing it. We started out being a little sneaky having parents come to a “parenting” class that really was a “marriage” class but now we’re not even being sneaky. This last weekend we told parents that in most situations where there kids were feeling overly anxious it was there fault. (that raised a few eyebrows) Not all parents agreed but that’s ok.
4. Disciple Parents. Yes even if you are 25 you can figure out ways to disciple parents. Chances are you won’t do it but maybe your church has a mens or women’s ministry and you can speak with the leaders of those groups and give them your perspective on some areas you think your parents need to hear. You probably work more closely and know more parents than most people in your church. Use that knowledge and relationship to give you parents help. I’ve said this here a few times and I can get away with it since I’m a parent. I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time as a parent and I’m pretty convinced other don’t either. We all need help.
So there you go. If you are a parent and reading this know that we love you and want to partner with you and that sometimes you are putting too much pressure on your teenagers and it is really hurting them. Let us help you because it’s what we love to do. I live in both worlds as a parent and a youth pastor. I don’t have either one figured out and I hope when you read this you know that I’m pointing fingers at myself in all of this. I am fortunate to have some amazing examples of parents who do this right and I can only say that I’ve fumbled around for quite a while and have landed on a few things that I think will help.
What’s worse Peer Pressure or Parental Pressure?
This last Sunday at my church Rhett Smith taught a class on Anxiety for parents. Rhett is in the process of writing a book on this and he’s pretty sharp so every time he talks I end up going home and thinking about it for hours. In this case he was talking about how so much of the anxiety in students comes from the parents. His point was that parents “over expectations” or “pressure” was causing huge damage to their students. There were a number of examples given by parents many of who’m “got it” but clearly a few who “didn’t.” I live in a city with highly motivated driven people. I think the % of students who graduate from high school and head directly to college is about 98% Because of this there seems to be an almost daily discussion about how students need to “better there resume” and “be involved in more things” so that they look good for college recruiters.
Here’s 3 examples of what I see all the time:
1. Boys and girls who play a sport year round and can’t do anything else because of it. If they are not in school season they are in club or select season or they are training for one of those. They spend all their time doing this sport and it becomes their identity. Often they are pushed to do this by the parents who like the identity of being able to say that there student is a “star”. In some instances it’s not the parents who are pushing the students but they are doing something equally wrong which is not helping students learn healthy boundaries and space. In my own family we made the decision with our son this spring to have him not play lacrosse. We wanted him to try another sport and he was really excited so he starts baseball next week. (to be clear if he didn’t want to play a sport at all we wouldn’t push him) We feel like it’s our job right now to give him exposure to different things so he can see what he enjoys. What I see as a problem here is that these students who do gymnastics 20 hours a week or baseball all year long are really missing out on a lot of other opportunities because they are so scheduled and there is “pressure” to continue.
2. I talked to a student this last week and asked what they were doing this summer. They replied that that were studying for the SAT all summer. I asked how many times they’d already taken it and they said 2 and that they had taken the ACT 1 time also. Then that student said “I have to get into {unamed} college because it’s what’s expected. My parents went there and my grandparents went there. This is a student who is amazing and has a great heart for service but hasn’t been able to be involved in our HS ministry because of all the pressure.
3. I actually heard a parent say this week that if your son/daughter doesn’t start something at the elementary age they will never be successful at the High school age. I’m pretty sure this person was talking about playing an instrument but they were applying it to everything. Sadly this mentality has created a really tough world for many parents who have bought into it and have private coaches for their first graders.
I love parents and work with some pretty amazing ones who are doing a great job with their teenagers. I could give example after example of parents who are doing a great job. But with that said it’s always amazing to me how in almost every meeting with parents we talk about the issue of “Peer” pressure and what they are worried about their students being exposed to but we never talk about “Parental” pressure.
Here’s 3 steps to opening up the door with parents to talk about this:
1. Never get an “us vs. them” mentality going. This was a great reminder yesterday in my staff meeting that our job will always be to partner with parents. Start there. Partnering with parents can look as simple as just getting to know them. Have small groups meet in their homes. Talk to them when they drop off or pick up their students. Invite them on trips.
2. Have trained therapists/counselors come in and speak. What I love about Rhett is that he speaks straight forward to the parents and doesn’t hold back or sugar coat things. We do a once a month Sunday morning parenting class and he leads all of them. I’m always in the room to add in my thoughts and opinions but Rhett is the leader. He also does one on one counseling with students and meets with families to talk about these issues.
3. Address the hidden issue. In almost all of these parental pressure situations there are issues that parents are projecting on their students. Most parents don’t even recognize they are doing it. We started out being a little sneaky having parents come to a “parenting” class that really was a “marriage” class but now we’re not even being sneaky. This last weekend we told parents that in most situations where there kids were feeling overly anxious it was there fault. (that raised a few eyebrows) Not all parents agreed but that’s ok.
4. Disciple Parents. Yes even if you are 25 you can figure out ways to disciple parents. Chances are you won’t do it but maybe your church has a mens or women’s ministry and you can speak with the leaders of those groups and give them your perspective on some areas you think your parents need to hear. You probably work more closely and know more parents than most people in your church. Use that knowledge and relationship to give you parents help. I’ve said this here a few times and I can get away with it since I’m a parent. I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time as a parent and I’m pretty convinced other don’t either. We all need help.
So there you go. If you are a parent and reading this know that we love you and want to partner with you and that sometimes you are putting too much pressure on your teenagers and it is really hurting them. Let us help you because it’s what we love to do. I live in both worlds as a parent and a youth pastor. I don’t have either one figured out and I hope when you read this you know that I’m pointing fingers at myself in all of this. I am fortunate to have some amazing examples of parents who do this right and I can only say that I’ve fumbled around for quite a while and have landed on a few things that I think will help.
3 Responses to “What’s worse Peer Pressure or Parental Pressure?”
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I agree wholeheartedly! I see parents all the time
that unknowingly live vicariously through their student’s achievements. It really does put kids at a disadvantage for being exposed to multiple opportunities. I feel like the pressure also comes from schools as well, telling kids they have to do a million things and sell their souls to extra curriculars in order to get moved up on the college application lists. I wonder how the church can speak prophetically to the parents AND the schools. Neither are easy tasks.
I think PARENTAL PRESSURE is not just a must, but should be a given!!!!
Most among us, who are parents, will attest to the amount of trouble that we’d have gone thru to keep our investments (cash, credit, 401Ks, IRAs) safe and well maintained. Don’t we do everything possible to be sure that what we have been given is not only maintained, but grow?
IF we have that sort of attitude to worldly treasures — no doubt, a blessing from our God Himself — how much more should we strive to keep that greatest treasure that he has bestowed us with — our children. There is a reason we are called to be stewards of our children. Check up on the meaning of the word “steward”.
Just like our worldly investments, we need to keep the future in mind, and push, prod, encourage, and envision our children with what they need to become — to make them see NOW, what they need to do in the future. It is called “visioncasting” — I believe we as parents ought to learn from our mistakes and pass on those valuable lessions to our kids so that they might also learn from it. Teach a child in the way… et. al.
I know, from my life, if my mother hadn’t put “parental pressure” on me to invest in my future I’d have never made it — at best, I’d be working in some low paying job in some small outfit earning what would amount to pittance — not the 6-figure that I earn today.
Today’s education system is at a pathetic level, with little or no expecations — and I live in one of the best school districts in the North TX, nay, the whole country!!!!
Parental pressure should be an absolute in a child’s life. A child must know that the expectations for that child is high. Someone once said, aim for the stars, and you might just about land on the moon!!!! Who else can point your child to the stars, but you!!!
James- I’m not saying Parental Pressure is always a bad thing. Just when it comes with an unhealthy amount of baggage. Is it helpful as a parent to “expect” your son or daughter to get into UT and then become a lawyer? Probably not. I have a big problem with your connection between investments and your kids. I have been doing this youth ministry thing for 20 years and I’ve seen the negative effects of parental pressure so much. Burned out students, unhealthy parents who have lost relationships with their kids because they give them unhealthy expectations.
I don’t think the greatest treasure God has given us are our kids. I have 3 of my own but I think that God sending Jesus to save us from our Sin is actually a bigger deal. In this community parents tend to worship their kids more than they do God.
I’m not even sure what to do with your statement that a six figure income somehow defines you as “making it.” I’d advise you to read the book of Ecclesiastes. I can show you quite a few families within the same income bracket who are “dying” from their own desire for success.
I’m not questioning your parenting. It might actually work for you. But, if I read your comment correct I think that you are over emphasizing worldly success. Again that’s my 2 cents and I don’t mean to pick a fight but your response is so typical of many people who have resources. I apologize if my comments sound harsh. It’s not meant to be but you weren’t in the meeting with me last week with the student who was telling me how scared she was that she wasn’t going to get into UT even though she has a high grade point and SAT’s and she was worried she would disappoint her parents. Or the one with the boy who was frustrated that he can never come to church because his dad wants him to play football and he doesn’t think he can quit.
I should probably say toot that I’m still a young dad. My oldest is 10. I clearly don’t deal with the parenting pressure of high school students. I’m sure it’ll be a tough balance. But, I work with so many families with hs students that I feel I can speak to it a little.
Balance is probably the best thing to have.