Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about job descriptions and the role of the Youth Pastor. I had a conversation with a couple younger youth workers looking for jobs and they sent me some job descriptions they’d received. In general I think often that churches don’t always know what they want when they hire a youth worker. The job descriptions I saw ranged from the church wanting a “relational junky” who spent 59 out of 60 hours a week in relationships with teenagers to the “program genius” who spent hours dreaming up new ideas to draw students into the church.
I think both of those things have a purpose in most youth ministries but I want to throw out a new idea that might help you envision your role. What if we looked at our jobs in the Youth Ministry world as the people who were the “advocates” for students. That means in every setting we are in we speak as someone who gives voice to the teenage world. So if we are in a board meeting we present the teenage point of view, if we are in a budget meeting we talk about the needs of teenagers, if something bad happens in the facility we don’t let anyone blame the students without any proof. Our job then becomes the “translator” who brings the world of students to everyone else.
Teenagers for sure need adults in their lives who care for them, spend time with them and listen to them. But, increasingly I feel like they need adult advocates who spend time introducing them to other adults, speaking truth about what their culture is really about, not allowing stereotypes and assumptions about teenagers to shape any decisions that the church makes. They need people who believe in them and even more than that are willing to use the power and status that comes with being an adult in many churches to also say that same thing about teenagers. This is a way we can care for them and make them feel they are being listened too.
My senior pastor does something a few times a year that is a huge benefit for our youth ministry. He says “There are only two things I care about, missions and Youth Ministry” every time he says that I know students and families in the room feel validated and valued.
Advocates care passionately about things and do all they can to support those causes. My cause is teenagers and I hope and pray that in every place I am I speak to the goodness, the truth, the beauty, the hope, the joy, the dreams, the sorrows and the love that they embody.
I believe the church needs teenagers to help free itself from the bondage that adults views, plans and process have caused. We don’t need the Youth Ministry to be it’s own separate part away from the rest of the church. We should be listening to the teens and their thoughts because they are as much of the “Church today” as the adults are.
So that’s my job description. Lars Rood: Teenage Advocate.
Archive - April, 2011
Recently I’ve been thinking more and more about the world that our children and teenagers are growing up in. On Saturday morning I came downstairs to make breakfast and saw my 10 year old son was Skyping with one of his good friends who lives in Turkey where his parents are missionaries. My son and his friend haven’t seen each other since last summer but they maintain a pretty close relationships via the digital world. I loved listening to them interact and talk about their “worlds” which couldn’t be any more different in “reality” but I guess their digital worlds are actually pretty similar.
As the digital world has flattened the real world and made connections so much easier I think most of us would probably agree that we have actually lost something in all of this. I’m sure someone way more critical than me might argue that we’ve lost our sense of reality but I’m not willing to go there yet. I think reality has shifted in a way that many of us parents are trying to keep up with but I still think most of us can recognize the difference between the two. But, it is getting harder.
Last night I was hanging out with a few staff guys and they both asked about the trampoline I had set up yesterday for my kids. Of course they knew that I had done it because of my update to Twitter. I turned to one of them and was going to tell him about it and he jokingly said “I don’t need real time updates twitter is fine.” He was kidding but I wonder how much of that is starting to become even more true. With the spread of social media and ways of connecting we start having an “ambient awareness” of what’s going on int he lives of those we connect with that way so that we may feel like we “know” what’s going on with them from the things we see they say on the web.
But, isn’t this sort of like listening to a “sound bite” from a politician and feeling like you know what they stand for?
So here’s what I contest. I think now more than ever our students need face time. They need opportunities to connect with each other in the non digital world and to engage with each other in that way. I know people who read blogs like lists so here’s 5 points:
1. Real World connections are not passive like the digital world can be- In the digital world I can reply and connect when I want to when I feel like it. In the real world I’m forced to interact with others and can’t hide behind my screen. Students need to get out of the “comfort zone” and be challenged. The Digital world right now breeds the comfort zone.
2. The real world doesn’t have neat categories- If I stay in my digital world I can find people to interact with who are just like me. Some of that is good because I can find a place I’m comfortable but I need to be exposed to other people. Teenagers need to have opportunities to interact with other groups and people and see how they fit.
3. Face Time comes with space- Staying in the digital world allows you to be constantly engaged. You can jump from one site to the other or one game or social media platform. It can be exhausting. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve attempted to take a nap before but had my iphone next to me and found myself 1/2 hour into my “relaxation” only to find I’d been online the whole time. Face Time brings space. What I mean by that is that when we take teenagers on trips and get them away from the web they will often times find that they don’t know what to do. They don’t have a device to fill all their time so they find they have extra time to fill. Having “space” is good for teenagers because it forces them to create and engage with others.
4. The digital World can’t compete (yet)- Over the years I’ve taken students just about all over the world. From touring Auschwitz with a combined team of German, American and Polish students to wandering through skid row of San Francisco to climbing over ruins in Cambodia and walking where Jesus walked in Jerusalem. These experiences are immensely powerful and are best done with others. Yes you can experience some of the senses of those trips online but only through a few senses, mainly visual and auditory. Real World experience with others and involving all the senses is so important for teenagers to actively engage and interpret.
5. Real connection is more than just passing information- Much of what are students are learning in the digital world is how to pass information around. They have mastered the art of short text and “status” updates. In many cases this is a great thing. I’ve actually had more rewarding conversations with students via social media than in the real world. I’ll pick on a group here and say that often in the real world a 7th grade boy will just say his day was “fine” but in the digital realm he may be way more open and talk about how he’s really feeling. But, while that is a great thing for social media it also is training students that information passing is the key to relationships. I think in this way digital kids need face time in order to be shown that relationship is so much more. Sometimes just doing something with someone without verbal communication is key.
We are in the midst of graduation season here in Texas. I’m putting together a big slide show for our senior class. Parents and students have sent in 100′s of photos of them “interacting” with each other. Most of these pictures show them smiling and engaged in some sort of activity together. I haven’t gotten a single picture yet of a student sitting in front of their computer or with an iphone in hand interacting with their digital friends. Maybe I will someday but what I’m seeing in all these pictures is that there is still a high value placed on Face Time and while we interact with people more and more via the web we have not yet given up on the real world.
But, I think in the Youth Ministry world we need to continue to push families and students to recognize that Face Time is valuable. I think it’s only going to get harder.
And dear apple computer. I’m glad you call your video chatting program Face Time. But, it’s just not the same.
This last Sunday at my church Rhett Smith taught a class on Anxiety for parents. Rhett is in the process of writing a book on this and he’s pretty sharp so every time he talks I end up going home and thinking about it for hours. In this case he was talking about how so much of the anxiety in students comes from the parents. His point was that parents “over expectations” or “pressure” was causing huge damage to their students. There were a number of examples given by parents many of who’m “got it” but clearly a few who “didn’t.” I live in a city with highly motivated driven people. I think the % of students who graduate from high school and head directly to college is about 98% Because of this there seems to be an almost daily discussion about how students need to “better there resume” and “be involved in more things” so that they look good for college recruiters.
Here’s 3 examples of what I see all the time:
1. Boys and girls who play a sport year round and can’t do anything else because of it. If they are not in school season they are in club or select season or they are training for one of those. They spend all their time doing this sport and it becomes their identity. Often they are pushed to do this by the parents who like the identity of being able to say that there student is a “star”. In some instances it’s not the parents who are pushing the students but they are doing something equally wrong which is not helping students learn healthy boundaries and space. In my own family we made the decision with our son this spring to have him not play lacrosse. We wanted him to try another sport and he was really excited so he starts baseball next week. (to be clear if he didn’t want to play a sport at all we wouldn’t push him) We feel like it’s our job right now to give him exposure to different things so he can see what he enjoys. What I see as a problem here is that these students who do gymnastics 20 hours a week or baseball all year long are really missing out on a lot of other opportunities because they are so scheduled and there is “pressure” to continue.
2. I talked to a student this last week and asked what they were doing this summer. They replied that that were studying for the SAT all summer. I asked how many times they’d already taken it and they said 2 and that they had taken the ACT 1 time also. Then that student said “I have to get into {unamed} college because it’s what’s expected. My parents went there and my grandparents went there. This is a student who is amazing and has a great heart for service but hasn’t been able to be involved in our HS ministry because of all the pressure.
3. I actually heard a parent say this week that if your son/daughter doesn’t start something at the elementary age they will never be successful at the High school age. I’m pretty sure this person was talking about playing an instrument but they were applying it to everything. Sadly this mentality has created a really tough world for many parents who have bought into it and have private coaches for their first graders.
I love parents and work with some pretty amazing ones who are doing a great job with their teenagers. I could give example after example of parents who are doing a great job. But with that said it’s always amazing to me how in almost every meeting with parents we talk about the issue of “Peer” pressure and what they are worried about their students being exposed to but we never talk about “Parental” pressure.
Here’s 3 steps to opening up the door with parents to talk about this:
1. Never get an “us vs. them” mentality going. This was a great reminder yesterday in my staff meeting that our job will always be to partner with parents. Start there. Partnering with parents can look as simple as just getting to know them. Have small groups meet in their homes. Talk to them when they drop off or pick up their students. Invite them on trips.
2. Have trained therapists/counselors come in and speak. What I love about Rhett is that he speaks straight forward to the parents and doesn’t hold back or sugar coat things. We do a once a month Sunday morning parenting class and he leads all of them. I’m always in the room to add in my thoughts and opinions but Rhett is the leader. He also does one on one counseling with students and meets with families to talk about these issues.
3. Address the hidden issue. In almost all of these parental pressure situations there are issues that parents are projecting on their students. Most parents don’t even recognize they are doing it. We started out being a little sneaky having parents come to a “parenting” class that really was a “marriage” class but now we’re not even being sneaky. This last weekend we told parents that in most situations where there kids were feeling overly anxious it was there fault. (that raised a few eyebrows) Not all parents agreed but that’s ok.
4. Disciple Parents. Yes even if you are 25 you can figure out ways to disciple parents. Chances are you won’t do it but maybe your church has a mens or women’s ministry and you can speak with the leaders of those groups and give them your perspective on some areas you think your parents need to hear. You probably work more closely and know more parents than most people in your church. Use that knowledge and relationship to give you parents help. I’ve said this here a few times and I can get away with it since I’m a parent. I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time as a parent and I’m pretty convinced other don’t either. We all need help.
So there you go. If you are a parent and reading this know that we love you and want to partner with you and that sometimes you are putting too much pressure on your teenagers and it is really hurting them. Let us help you because it’s what we love to do. I live in both worlds as a parent and a youth pastor. I don’t have either one figured out and I hope when you read this you know that I’m pointing fingers at myself in all of this. I am fortunate to have some amazing examples of parents who do this right and I can only say that I’ve fumbled around for quite a while and have landed on a few things that I think will help.
I’ve been wrestling with this for a while but unsure of how to best get my point across without sounding like a jerk. But, as summer is getting closer and missions trip training and preparation is happening in many places I thought I’d take a stab at this.
I’ve been a youth worker of some sort for over 20 years. In the majority of those years I’ve done some sort of cross cultural missions experience with students. In most of those situations it’s almost always been us going somewhere that a different culture of people need help and my youth groups which have always tended to be filled with white kids “take care of them.”
A major problem I see happening is that our students associate particular people groups and races as always needing help. They classify them as needy and it doesn’t matter where they see them they can’t shake it. This is incredibly unfair and unjust to many people who are actually doing really well but get lumped into the same groups in our students minds.
I always cringe when I feel like the “great white hope” has come into any place and we believe we are making a significant contribution. Sometimes we are but at what cost for that community.
So how do we break this cycle?
Here’s a couple thoughts. Some I’ve done, some that I haven’t.
1. If your church is in an area that draws from one particular ethnic group you’ve got to find some healthy ways of exposure. You can do this by partnering with other more diverse youth groups to do anything from a fun activity to an actual missions project.
2. Before going to a place where your students will be exposed to a particular group and needs make sure to talk about the issues that have made those needs so great and focus on the macro issues affect more than just that group. I realize this sentence was probably not written well so here’s what I mean. If you are going to Haiti you can talk about the history of Haiti and the way that the “system” has made it so difficult for people to break free from the bad cycle. But, then apply that same concept to where you currently live and talk about how there are “systems” here in the US that cause the same problems for people.
3. Do all you can to separate race from need. Similar to #2 above you have to make sure your students understand that there are not any characteristics in any particular people group that cause these things to happen to them. Injustice and systemic problems affect everyone the same way.
4. Have your students do research on people from particular locations where you will be doing work and learn about people who are doing ok. The key here is balance. If you only ever exposure your students to the negative side of any particular area that’s what they will think the whole area is defined by.
Just some simple thoughts by me. I’d love to know what you think.
Parents: You have issues. Deal with them.
Once a week I’m committed to writing a post aimed at parents. I landed on this idea mostly when I realized that I don’t really have any of this parenting thing figured out and I’m guessing most of my friends with kids don’t either. We all fake it pretty well and act like we don’t have issues but the reality is we all do and it would be great if we were freed up to deal with them.
So here’s this weeks thought.
Parents. You have issues. I don’t know what they are but they are there. And, it affects how you parent.
Maybe it’ll make you feel better and me worse to tell you what some of mine are. I promised that I would be transparent in my blogging so here you go.
I’m:
Insecure, impatient, controlling, stressed, anxious, unkind and lazy.
Here’s how that plays out in my house:
I need affirmation about how I’m doing. this can drive people nuts. My impatience shows up especially in the morning as I’m making breakfast and trying to get kids to school. I’ve had to apologize more times than I’d like to admit on the way to school. I also struggle with trying to control things. This shows up with finances and time issues. I’m stressed and anxious a lot about time and money (notice a theme) and I don’t very often respond in a gracious and caring way when I’m dealing with my issues.
Being Unkind is something that I hate about myself. I wish I could always respond with a gracious word, action or idea. It pains me when I hurt people with words. I wish I practiced holding my tongue more and new how to be a better pastor.
The lazy thing is probably something I claim for myself that isn’t really true but it still shapes me. I work pretty hard and am involved in a ton of stuff. I don’t procrastinate often or fulfill the things I’m supposed to do but when I do I tend to crash pretty hard and beat myself up.
My friend and Co-Worker Rhett wrote a great post today encouraging parents to not place their anxiety on kids. I echo his thoughts and want to encourage parents to work through their issues.
So my point is don’t allow your issues to become your kids issues. It’s not fair to them when you make your deal theirs.
Let me be even more blunt. In my wealthy community I see well meaning parents all the time put their issue of needing to be successful on their kids and literally forcing their kids to try to solve their parents problems.. I would love to see parents who were more concerned that their kids love Jesus than calculus. I’d like to see parents who’s daddy or mommy issues weren’t played out in front of their kids.
Here’s my thoughts for parents.
1. Provide a safe place where adults/students can be real
2. Find a parenting class you can be involved in and commit to going regularly.
3. Don’t feel like you have to solve everything or do anything to fix every problem. Start on small issues.
4. Be in community with other parents. Isolation will kill you.
5. Let other parents know you care about their input. Make them understand you value them.
I’ll end this post by saying yesterday morning I was a poor parent. I was frustrated with my boys when I felt they weren’t being responsible to getting things done on time. The reality is they were on time but on a different schedule than me. I fully admit I don’t know what I’m doing 90% of the time but with my community I generally figure it out.
Thanks friends who know the real Lars and like him in-spite of him and believe in him regardless of the life he has shown them.
Youth Specialties: Some good change
If you’ve read this blog for any amount of time you know that I have an ongoing relationship with Youth Specialties and have been a part of the National Youth Workers Convention teaching and leading for many years. YS was the first “tribe” for youth workers and it helped establish the career path that many of us have been on for a long time.
The last few years YS has gone through some changes. First Mike Yaconelli one of the founders tragically died and then the reigns were handed over to one of my friends and great Youth Ministry thinkers Mark Oestreicher. Soon after the economy crashed and YS was sold to Zondervan and ultimately they had to make some major staff cuts. With those cuts long time YS events guru Tic Long moved on. Then just over a year ago YS was sold to a new company called Youthworks, Marko moved on to some great new stuff and Tic came back.
Sounds like a lot huh?
Well there is more but this change is actually a healthy one. Today YS has announced that Tic will be leaving to be an executive pastor at his church. With this change my friend Mark Matlock will be taking over the leadership of YS. I’m pretty excited about this and here’s 3 reasons why I think it’s great.
1. Mark Matlock does a great job of reaching out to Younger Youth workers and empowering them. If I have any criticism of most youth ministry training events it’s that we have done a poor job of giving the mic to younger youth workers. I love the old guys and I’m increasingly becoming one of them but I’m against holding on for so long we don’t empower the now and the next generation of youth workers.
2. Matlock has been running student events and parenting seminars for years. My opinion is that YS needs a continual focus on these things. Every year I think that I wish parents were hearing the same things I’m hearing because I think if they just knew what I knew they would fully understand what I do.
3. YS lost a lot of it’s futurist thinking when Marko left and this change in leadership brings that back. One of the best seminars I’ve been to in years is Matlock’s generations talk where he unpacks all the different age groups and shows what the future looks like for the church. Marko was a great forward thinker and was willing to try a lot of new things. YS needs to continue to push the envelope and to be leading and innovative.
I want to make sure to be clear though that I love Tic. He has had a huge role for a long time and he will be missed. I think this is a great decision for him. I also want to make sure to point out that YS has already got some amazing employees who have been doing great ministry for a long time and Matlock is not the “savior” of YS. They are all a team and will do great work together.
Digital kids need face time
Recently I’ve been thinking more and more about the world that our children and teenagers are growing up in. On Saturday morning I came downstairs to make breakfast and saw my 10 year old son was Skyping with one of his good friends who lives in Turkey where his parents are missionaries. My son and his friend haven’t seen each other since last summer but they maintain a pretty close relationships via the digital world. I loved listening to them interact and talk about their “worlds” which couldn’t be any more different in “reality” but I guess their digital worlds are actually pretty similar.
As the digital world has flattened the real world and made connections so much easier I think most of us would probably agree that we have actually lost something in all of this. I’m sure someone way more critical than me might argue that we’ve lost our sense of reality but I’m not willing to go there yet. I think reality has shifted in a way that many of us parents are trying to keep up with but I still think most of us can recognize the difference between the two. But, it is getting harder.
Last night I was hanging out with a few staff guys and they both asked about the trampoline I had set up yesterday for my kids. Of course they knew that I had done it because of my update to Twitter. I turned to one of them and was going to tell him about it and he jokingly said “I don’t need real time updates twitter is fine.” He was kidding but I wonder how much of that is starting to become even more true. With the spread of social media and ways of connecting we start having an “ambient awareness” of what’s going on int he lives of those we connect with that way so that we may feel like we “know” what’s going on with them from the things we see they say on the web.
But, isn’t this sort of like listening to a “sound bite” from a politician and feeling like you know what they stand for?
So here’s what I contest. I think now more than ever our students need face time. They need opportunities to connect with each other in the non digital world and to engage with each other in that way. I know people who read blogs like lists so here’s 5 points:
1. Real World connections are not passive like the digital world can be- In the digital world I can reply and connect when I want to when I feel like it. In the real world I’m forced to interact with others and can’t hide behind my screen. Students need to get out of the “comfort zone” and be challenged. The Digital world right now breeds the comfort zone.
2. The real world doesn’t have neat categories- If I stay in my digital world I can find people to interact with who are just like me. Some of that is good because I can find a place I’m comfortable but I need to be exposed to other people. Teenagers need to have opportunities to interact with other groups and people and see how they fit.
3. Face Time comes with space- Staying in the digital world allows you to be constantly engaged. You can jump from one site to the other or one game or social media platform. It can be exhausting. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve attempted to take a nap before but had my iphone next to me and found myself 1/2 hour into my “relaxation” only to find I’d been online the whole time. Face Time brings space. What I mean by that is that when we take teenagers on trips and get them away from the web they will often times find that they don’t know what to do. They don’t have a device to fill all their time so they find they have extra time to fill. Having “space” is good for teenagers because it forces them to create and engage with others.
4. The digital World can’t compete (yet)- Over the years I’ve taken students just about all over the world. From touring Auschwitz with a combined team of German, American and Polish students to wandering through skid row of San Francisco to climbing over ruins in Cambodia and walking where Jesus walked in Jerusalem. These experiences are immensely powerful and are best done with others. Yes you can experience some of the senses of those trips online but only through a few senses, mainly visual and auditory. Real World experience with others and involving all the senses is so important for teenagers to actively engage and interpret.
5. Real connection is more than just passing information- Much of what are students are learning in the digital world is how to pass information around. They have mastered the art of short text and “status” updates. In many cases this is a great thing. I’ve actually had more rewarding conversations with students via social media than in the real world. I’ll pick on a group here and say that often in the real world a 7th grade boy will just say his day was “fine” but in the digital realm he may be way more open and talk about how he’s really feeling. But, while that is a great thing for social media it also is training students that information passing is the key to relationships. I think in this way digital kids need face time in order to be shown that relationship is so much more. Sometimes just doing something with someone without verbal communication is key.
We are in the midst of graduation season here in Texas. I’m putting together a big slide show for our senior class. Parents and students have sent in 100′s of photos of them “interacting” with each other. Most of these pictures show them smiling and engaged in some sort of activity together. I haven’t gotten a single picture yet of a student sitting in front of their computer or with an iphone in hand interacting with their digital friends. Maybe I will someday but what I’m seeing in all these pictures is that there is still a high value placed on Face Time and while we interact with people more and more via the web we have not yet given up on the real world.
But, I think in the Youth Ministry world we need to continue to push families and students to recognize that Face Time is valuable. I think it’s only going to get harder.
And dear apple computer. I’m glad you call your video chatting program Face Time. But, it’s just not the same. There is no augmentation without an amputation. -McLuhan
A few weeks back I was in the midst of a discussion where someone who I respect greatly tossed out this quote. We were in the midst of a relatively basic conversation about the future of the Western Church. He said it then and it struck me as something that we don’t really talk about too much within the church. I’m sure that many of us who are involved in Church ministry all have some sort of program, event, ministry that we would love to kill but we don’t feel like we can without upsetting a ton of people. But, I think too that the reality is that many of us can’t do anything new at all because of all the energy we are expanding keeping the past decisions afloat.
I am a huge fan of Marshall McLuhan and think he was a brilliant thinker and futurist who completely understood how much things would radically change. He is in my estimation still further out than most churches even though he passed away back in 1980.
So how does this fit in youth ministry?
1. Have your really dreamed much about how things could work if you could start from scratch in your church, community and ministry? If you had full freedom to begin again what things would be essential and what things that you are currently doing would you want to cut out.
2. What things are you currently doing that you believe have served their purpose and now only exist to prop up memories? Maybe now is the time for an amputation.
3. Most amputations are done when things are unhealthy but occasionally they are done when there is the “potential” that something may become unhealthy. Are there areas in your ministry that have the potential to become unhealthy and would a little trimming now stop you from a full amputation later?
I’ve never been afraid of change. The opposite is probably more true. I embrace change especially when it makes sense. One thing that is helpful in this is that people have confirmed in me that they think I have the gift of discernment. I often am able to perceive the necessary changes and steps we need to take before others. Where I get in trouble is when I don’t do a good job of explaining myself and my reasoning and help others to discern the same thing. That’s an area I’ve grown in but is still tough. Just because something appears clear to me doesn’t mean it is to others.
So here’s my Wednesday though. What things in your life, ministry and world do you see that are ready for change and how will you amputate things in order to make those changes happen?
What’s worse Peer Pressure or Parental Pressure?
This last Sunday at my church Rhett Smith taught a class on Anxiety for parents. Rhett is in the process of writing a book on this and he’s pretty sharp so every time he talks I end up going home and thinking about it for hours. In this case he was talking about how so much of the anxiety in students comes from the parents. His point was that parents “over expectations” or “pressure” was causing huge damage to their students. There were a number of examples given by parents many of who’m “got it” but clearly a few who “didn’t.” I live in a city with highly motivated driven people. I think the % of students who graduate from high school and head directly to college is about 98% Because of this there seems to be an almost daily discussion about how students need to “better there resume” and “be involved in more things” so that they look good for college recruiters.
Here’s 3 examples of what I see all the time:
1. Boys and girls who play a sport year round and can’t do anything else because of it. If they are not in school season they are in club or select season or they are training for one of those. They spend all their time doing this sport and it becomes their identity. Often they are pushed to do this by the parents who like the identity of being able to say that there student is a “star”. In some instances it’s not the parents who are pushing the students but they are doing something equally wrong which is not helping students learn healthy boundaries and space. In my own family we made the decision with our son this spring to have him not play lacrosse. We wanted him to try another sport and he was really excited so he starts baseball next week. (to be clear if he didn’t want to play a sport at all we wouldn’t push him) We feel like it’s our job right now to give him exposure to different things so he can see what he enjoys. What I see as a problem here is that these students who do gymnastics 20 hours a week or baseball all year long are really missing out on a lot of other opportunities because they are so scheduled and there is “pressure” to continue.
2. I talked to a student this last week and asked what they were doing this summer. They replied that that were studying for the SAT all summer. I asked how many times they’d already taken it and they said 2 and that they had taken the ACT 1 time also. Then that student said “I have to get into {unamed} college because it’s what’s expected. My parents went there and my grandparents went there. This is a student who is amazing and has a great heart for service but hasn’t been able to be involved in our HS ministry because of all the pressure.
3. I actually heard a parent say this week that if your son/daughter doesn’t start something at the elementary age they will never be successful at the High school age. I’m pretty sure this person was talking about playing an instrument but they were applying it to everything. Sadly this mentality has created a really tough world for many parents who have bought into it and have private coaches for their first graders.
I love parents and work with some pretty amazing ones who are doing a great job with their teenagers. I could give example after example of parents who are doing a great job. But with that said it’s always amazing to me how in almost every meeting with parents we talk about the issue of “Peer” pressure and what they are worried about their students being exposed to but we never talk about “Parental” pressure.
Here’s 3 steps to opening up the door with parents to talk about this:
1. Never get an “us vs. them” mentality going. This was a great reminder yesterday in my staff meeting that our job will always be to partner with parents. Start there. Partnering with parents can look as simple as just getting to know them. Have small groups meet in their homes. Talk to them when they drop off or pick up their students. Invite them on trips.
2. Have trained therapists/counselors come in and speak. What I love about Rhett is that he speaks straight forward to the parents and doesn’t hold back or sugar coat things. We do a once a month Sunday morning parenting class and he leads all of them. I’m always in the room to add in my thoughts and opinions but Rhett is the leader. He also does one on one counseling with students and meets with families to talk about these issues.
3. Address the hidden issue. In almost all of these parental pressure situations there are issues that parents are projecting on their students. Most parents don’t even recognize they are doing it. We started out being a little sneaky having parents come to a “parenting” class that really was a “marriage” class but now we’re not even being sneaky. This last weekend we told parents that in most situations where there kids were feeling overly anxious it was there fault. (that raised a few eyebrows) Not all parents agreed but that’s ok.
4. Disciple Parents. Yes even if you are 25 you can figure out ways to disciple parents. Chances are you won’t do it but maybe your church has a mens or women’s ministry and you can speak with the leaders of those groups and give them your perspective on some areas you think your parents need to hear. You probably work more closely and know more parents than most people in your church. Use that knowledge and relationship to give you parents help. I’ve said this here a few times and I can get away with it since I’m a parent. I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time as a parent and I’m pretty convinced other don’t either. We all need help.
So there you go. If you are a parent and reading this know that we love you and want to partner with you and that sometimes you are putting too much pressure on your teenagers and it is really hurting them. Let us help you because it’s what we love to do. I live in both worlds as a parent and a youth pastor. I don’t have either one figured out and I hope when you read this you know that I’m pointing fingers at myself in all of this. I am fortunate to have some amazing examples of parents who do this right and I can only say that I’ve fumbled around for quite a while and have landed on a few things that I think will help.
Are we unintentionally teaching our students that all minorities need help?
I’ve been wrestling with this for a while but unsure of how to best get my point across without sounding like a jerk. But, as summer is getting closer and missions trip training and preparation is happening in many places I thought I’d take a stab at this.
I’ve been a youth worker of some sort for over 20 years. In the majority of those years I’ve done some sort of cross cultural missions experience with students. In most of those situations it’s almost always been us going somewhere that a different culture of people need help and my youth groups which have always tended to be filled with white kids “take care of them.”
A major problem I see happening is that our students associate particular people groups and races as always needing help. They classify them as needy and it doesn’t matter where they see them they can’t shake it. This is incredibly unfair and unjust to many people who are actually doing really well but get lumped into the same groups in our students minds.
I always cringe when I feel like the “great white hope” has come into any place and we believe we are making a significant contribution. Sometimes we are but at what cost for that community.
So how do we break this cycle?
Here’s a couple thoughts. Some I’ve done, some that I haven’t.
1. If your church is in an area that draws from one particular ethnic group you’ve got to find some healthy ways of exposure. You can do this by partnering with other more diverse youth groups to do anything from a fun activity to an actual missions project.
2. Before going to a place where your students will be exposed to a particular group and needs make sure to talk about the issues that have made those needs so great and focus on the macro issues affect more than just that group. I realize this sentence was probably not written well so here’s what I mean. If you are going to Haiti you can talk about the history of Haiti and the way that the “system” has made it so difficult for people to break free from the bad cycle. But, then apply that same concept to where you currently live and talk about how there are “systems” here in the US that cause the same problems for people.
3. Do all you can to separate race from need. Similar to #2 above you have to make sure your students understand that there are not any characteristics in any particular people group that cause these things to happen to them. Injustice and systemic problems affect everyone the same way.
4. Have your students do research on people from particular locations where you will be doing work and learn about people who are doing ok. The key here is balance. If you only ever exposure your students to the negative side of any particular area that’s what they will think the whole area is defined by.
Just some simple thoughts by me. I’d love to know what you think. 