“With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
This season of life I'm in is all about figuring out what it means to be "Present." This is something I've struggled with for a long time. I've always dealt with a lot of insecurities and my go to problem solving technique has often been to try and avoid problems altogether by not fully engaging anyone or any situation that might lead to conflict.
My growing up years are best defined by the book I buried myself in. I hid so much of my life within the reading that I did. My mom used to call my room "the cave" because when I got home from school I typically retreated to it to read and hide from the world.
This spring I'm wrestling with this issue in my life while spending 400 hours interning as a hospital chaplain. At the hospital I am forced out of my aloof comfort zone into a very "present" reality with some difficult situations.
I'm struggling with a weird reality though in that while I'm learning a lot about being present I'm also feeling some guilt from not being present enough with my staff and the youth ministry at my church.
I'll be honest and say I don't know what I'm doing. Half the time I'm just one step away from crying or running away. I don't know how to emotionally deal with a lot of the pain I see.
So you know what I do? I force myself to just be present. Yesterday I visited a little girl who had been burned pretty badly. It was a short visit and I cried as I walked away. Today I'm going to go back and just sit in her room for a while. She won't know I'm there because she's sedated but I am going to just be present with her for a while. My prayer is that I will be fully engaged and present with her as she sleeps. I won't have anything to offer her but my presence.
I think that will be enough.
This reminded me of some Switchfoot lyrics:
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I’m a plane in the sunset
With no where to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sandcastles
Spend their time collapsing
Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough
I have been miring through 2 years of therapy to be able to stay present to pain, to life, to everything. The layers of complex defense mechanisms only shroud the freedom found in just being present. I think it’s so beautiful…to just sit there…to sink into the sadness, the uncertainty, the pain. It’s taken me a lot of walking deep into past pains and setting all the truth on the table and looking at it again to make peace with all of the questions I had about it…many I didn’t even realize were hurting me so badly or causing me angst. These things had formed my belief about how others saw me in the world…and it turns out a lot of what I believed wasn’t true. What a relief!
I am rather convinced that when Jesus said “I’ve come so that you may have life and have it to the full” he as likely inviting us into something complex and deep with Him. The same Jesus that says “come to me all you who are weary and burdened”. I think being fully alive is feeling free to feel a whole range of things and still find joy in the midst of it…still believing that the “when we walk through the waters he will be there with us”. I’m just beginning to get it. I’m just beginning not to run to food, shopping, tv, conversations with friends on the phone, the internet, or just my own little zoned out world to cope with the things that make me uncomfortable.
My mentor/therapist Sandra also does hospice counseling for those with terminal cancer. She said the other day that often it is the dying that are the most fully alive….I guess they’re not as afraid anymore of the impending doom…because in many ways…they’re in it…present to it…and maybe it’s not as bad as we fear…especially if we know Jesus. Seems He’s all the more present in those moments.
You’ve been face to face with more suffering than most of us this month my friend, and I bet it is part of God’s story for this season…I also bet it’s rather exhausting. I think you are very courageous to be present with life…few ever fight for this…and I think so many are sound asleep and don’t even know it.
Kristie- I wish I could write out my thoughts as well as you just wrote out yours. Thank you for taking the time to think and to write that all down. It ministered to me.
Lars Rood \\ Working to figure it all out
web: My Blog \\ Stream Youth \\ twitter \\ facebook \\
This was a wonderful post with wonderful comments. Thanks.
All you have is your presence. Don’t be selfish, give it to them. My family did a two week stretch at Children’s last year. (when my nephew was dying) Presence was very important to them.
On a more theological side… since you have the Holy Spirit, your presence is the presence of God. You do have something to offer, don’t discount it. People going through this kind of suffering aren’t looking for the answer. They probably couldn’t or wouldn’t listen to it even if you did have the divine answer. They are looking for compassion and comfort, you can offer that.
I did lots of hospital visits at my last church, it takes its toll emotionally. Talk about it with people. Help comfort them with the comfort with which you too have been comforted.
Also, let the Spirit guide. It intercedes on your behalf when you don’t have words.
I hope this comment doesn’t sound too cliche. I’ll be praying for you.
Thanks Aaron. Yesterday was a long good day at the hospital. I appreciate your words. Being present with the Holy Spirit does take a load off of my me. Yesterday I saw everything I could imagine. Im wiped out still but it was really good for me.
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Thanks for this wonderful post. Presence is the most important thing we bring to ministry and to life. My teacher Edwin Friedman said presence is far more important than any technique we can learn. And I know that people sniff it out instantly when we are pretending, and respect it when we show up the best we can.